


the cost of familiarity

by irreparable



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 06:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18845410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irreparable/pseuds/irreparable
Summary: Clint Barton reflects on his nature, and the intersection of family, identity, and purpose.Note - I like to try out different interpretations, but still mostly canon compliant





	the cost of familiarity

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE NOTE: This is a slightly embarrassing first draft of a much more complete and better fic (painstakingly written and editted) so I highly recommend you check this one (and that you do so first). [if you love him](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18877360) I'm still leaving this one up just for the sake of observing improvement though so ... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Clint relishes being home, he does. Or at least he wants to, and so he does – with all his heart. His family … the way they smile and the way they talk and how he always finds a way to fit back into them somehow. (After being removed yet again.) The abundance of fresh air and the warm sun on the grass. When clouds come, they’re just clouds. It’s just rain. 

Laura does an amazing job of keeping it all together. She holds a difficult thing in balance. The thing is, he never forgets to give her credit, when he’s wandering around the place after being gone. Trying to take it all in. He recognizes it, but is powerless against it. (It’s been getting worse.)

She defends this life that belongs to him, shared only with her and the kids. It’s a haven, it’s a protected place. He releases a breath caught in his lungs. It doesn’t belong to his work or to anyone else. (It’s a needed reminder.) It’s all his.

 

It was not a planned thing, to bring the team back there. He simply didn’t allow himself to wonder how he might feel about it afterwards. They needed a safe house, a place to regroup. It was a tactical option. Assured of their safety, he called ahead and told Laura to expect them. (In that moment, she is her name.)

Clint shakes his head at the ground, thinking back to it. How odd it would’ve been, only a few weeks before, to imagine. The famed Captain America chopping wood out on his lawn, gently returning a baseball to Cooper and being roped into a game. The illustrious Tony Stark making an awkward first impression – he did mean well, perhaps the man could be surprised – and then immersing himself in tinkering with the tractor. The mild-mannered but formidable Bruce Banner, setting up shop in the office just off the living room, then sitting across from Lila eating grilled cheese in the kitchen. Remembering the guest bedrooms, for a short while, weren’t in fact empty. Those things doesn’t seem so odd now.

Of course, Natasha had visited before. When she came, much less often than the kids would’ve liked, he was glad to have her there. She and Laura were fast friends; Laura treated her as if she was always a part of their lives, and she fell in pace. That was one of her remarkable traits, to fit into any sort of surroundings – the work of a master that he was keenly aware of whenever he watched her, he knew her well enough. He knew her well enough to know that by all accounts when she was there, the part of her she might at times deem selfish, was happy. And it was a profound thing to see.

Clint kicks a larger piece of gravel down the road and walks along the fence. The cost of familiarity, it isn’t high at all. Though in such times where he must pay it, he envies Nat’s effortless ability – a fish to water, regardless of whether it was water or not. He doesn’t regret it, bringing his teammates there was a natural choice. (Ah, his nature.) It wasn’t as if anything had really gone wrong. All it had done was connect two separate parts of his life. And so he learned a lot about himself.

He doesn’t want to acknowledge these things, though Laura must suspect them. Through it she still loves him, patiently. It is overwhelms him; tears begin to shine his face. (He sees the cloud, knowing it was him who put it there – he who is powerless to send it away. He can’t run anymore.)

 

It is a truth that settles into his bones with clarity. 

It is who he is. The reason why he is convinced of a violent end for himself - he can't ever walk away. Every time he returns home, it’s becomes harder to find exactly where he’s supposed to be. It’s harder to hide from the fact. He doesn’t want it, he desperately rejects it. (But it’s never exactly wholehearted, is it? It makes it worse.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, any constructive criticism is always appreciated! All my writing seems to happen in bursts of inspiration in the middle of the night haha. I wanted to try something out, thanks for understanding ! :)


End file.
